Here's When You Should Apologize in Your Relationship—And When You Shouldn't

You probably say the words "I'm sorry" at least three times a day. You may even use it a bit too much if you're a woman. That's because society has taught and socialized women to say sorry—to feel sorry—whether they're in the wrong or not. Oftentimes, these apologies are even spewed out of a sense of duty or awkwardness to stop someone from getting angry, or to hide the fact that we’re angry ourselves. But what many don't realize is that apologizing when you're not in the wrong is harmful—and it’s not good for relationships.

According to licensed psychotherapist Sarah Chotkowski, LICSW, individuals should practice the "golden rule" when deciding whether or not they should apologize to their partner. "Ask yourself 'If someone did this to me, would I want an apology?' If the answer is yes, then an apology is appropriate. If the answer is no, you’re not off the hook just yet—it’s important to remember that your partner may have a different threshold for what warrants an apology. But this exercise is a good place to start."

If you feel like you consistently say "I'm sorry", especially within your relationship, don't worry: It's never too late to take inventory of your apologies and work towards breaking that habit. Here, we explain when to apologize and when not to apologize to your significant other. Read on for more.

When to Apologize to Your Partner

It might sound very basic, but apologies are only needed when you have done something wrong. That’s it. Not when someone’s mad at you for no reason, and not when you want to take the blame just to diffuse a confrontation. When you’ve messed up and if you've hurt someone, that's when you should apologize. It’s a form of accountability—a way of saying that you’re taking responsibility, acknowledging their pain, and promising that you will do better in the future.

Chotkowski notes that one real-world instance where "I'm sorry" is warranted is when someone violates their relationship agreement. "Relationship agreements are things that we agree to with our partners as part of the terms of our relationship," she shares. "This can be something as major as whether the relationship is monogamous, or whether it’s ok to watch episodes of a show you’re watching together on your own." It's also worth mentioning that Chotkowski explains a relationship agreement as something that's "explicitly spoken and reviewed periodically," not something that is assumed by one partner. "Apologizing when you break these rules affirms your commitment to the relationship and offers an opportunity to revisit these agreements to make sure they are supporting a thriving relationship, like a balloon rather than a ball and chain," she adds.

Another example? When you violate your core values, according to Chotkowski. "If compersion (feeling joy about your partner’s joy) is one of your most important values, and you made a passive-aggressive comment to your partner as they were headed out the door for an evening with their friends because you felt slighted about not being included, you should absolutely apologize," she explains. "The apology should reflect your understanding that you behaved in a way that fell short of how you aspire to show up in the relationship and acknowledge that this behavior is about you (in this case feeling yucky about being excluded) and not about their actions (their decision to prioritize going out with friends)."

When Not to Apologize to Your Partner

By now, you've probably realized that you likely say "I'm sorry" more often than you need to. But for those who need specific examples where apologizing to your partner isn't necessary, Chotkowski breaks down three instances where you should refrain from saying sorry.

For starters, if you want to apologize because it's a natural reflex to just say sorry, don't do it, she shares. "If your gut instinct is to immediately apologize, this probably indicates that you’re feeling uncomfortable with your own actions and you want to be absolved of this feeling," she explains. "Instead, try sitting with these feelings, and explore what they stir up. Distress tolerance is an important skill to practice independently of our partner—we shouldn’t rely on them to get rid of feelings that we find difficult to sit with."

Additionally, Chotkowski notes that you should refrain from saying "I'm sorry" when you're trying to break the habit of over-apologizing. "We (especially women) have been conditioned to use 'sorry' as a catch-all expression. If 'thank you for waiting for me!' can be used instead of 'sorry I’m late!' give this a try. This will help make 'I’m sorry' a more powerful statement when you do use it." Lastly, don't apologize if you don't mean it (yes, it's that simple!). "It can be tempting to apologize to our partners for the sake of soothing hurt feelings, but we want our partners to be able to trust our word. Apologizing when we don’t mean it will weaken their trust in the long run," she explains.

How to Apologize Meaningfully

We get so used to saying “I’m sorry” that we often stop thinking about why we’re saying it in the first place. If you take the time to be mindful of when you apologize, you might just find that many of your apologies are actually something totally different. With that in mind, Chotkowski breaks down three ways to apologize meaningfully when saying "I'm sorry" is actually warranted.

Don't make the apology about you.

According to Chotkowski, "Try not to cry, say 'this is so hard for me to talk about', or focus on your desire to 'seek their forgiveness.' If this is difficult, you could try writing things down or practicing in front of the mirror or with a friend. An apology should not force the other person to provide emotional support to you."

Avoid making excuses for your behavior.

When you've done something wrong and need to apologize to your partner, you should always acknowledge your shortcomings and avoid making excuses to minimize your behavior, shares Chotkowski. "This means avoiding tacking a 'but' or 'to be fair' on to the end of the apology. It is not a time to bring up the other person’s behavior and why you feel they owe you an apology," she further explains.

Be specific about why you're sorry.

There's nothing more disingenuous than receiving a generic apology. Thus, Chotkowski stresses the importance of being clear and specific with your partner when apologizing and acknowledging exactly what you did wrong and how you plan to rectify your actions. "Don’t make a promise you aren’t willing or able to keep," she adds. "For example, if your partner is frustrated that you stayed out late with your friends without checking in, you could say: 'I am sorry for staying out so late with my friends without checking in with you. I understand that when I do this it gives you the impression that I don’t value your time and that I’m comfortable treating you as an afterthought, not my partner. Our relationship is extremely important to me and I’ve been thinking about what I could do to show you this. I was thinking that when I’m out with my friends I could set a timer on my phone for 9 p.m. to remind me to check in with you if I haven’t already texted.'"