How to Ask Your Partner's Father for Permission to Propose

Let's face it, weddings are all about tradition. From wearing white and exchanging rings to the time-honored words said at the altar, the act of getting married is steeped in history, no matter your culture or religion. And though times have changed and certain practices have slowly phased out, one custom that has stood the test of time is asking a partner’s father for his child’s hand in marriage.

That's why, for those currently planning to pop the question, we spoke with wedding proposal planner Megan Bicklein for her expert insight on how to pull off this tradition without a hitch. Ahead, here's an easy-to-follow guide on how to ask for permission to wed. Plus, information on how long before the proposal you should ask their father and/or mother and alternative options to consider if this practice isn't for you.

The History and Meaning of Asking for a Father's Permission to Wed

A man asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage was established from the anachronistic notion that women were once considered property. In fact, even if couples were marrying for love, women were considered to be under the control of men and needed permission from their fathers to leave the family home.

This tradition also served as a way for a family to ensure that they could entrust their daughter's future and well-being to her future spouse. In some earlier eras, it even served as an opportunity to discuss the contractual side of the arrangement, like the daughter's dowry. If the bride-to-be's father was not around at the time, though, the duties would likely fall to her eldest brother or male family member. (Think Daphne's entire future precariously resting in her brother's hands during the first season of Bridgerton.)

However, the modern practice of the tradition has evolved into something far less transactional. Instead, the action of approaching a partner's parents—moms are now included in these conversations, too—is more of a respectful gesture meant to include everyone in the joyous occasion, and allow them to give their blessing for the impending union.

How to Ask for Permission to Propose

While this tradition isn't required for couples to partake in, if your partner has more traditional parents, they may be offended if they aren't asked for their blessing. Easy enough if you were planning to anyway, right? As you muster up the courage to sit with your partner's father, mother, or both, however, there are a few things to keep in mind, as highlighted below.

Don't Delay the Conversation

For starters, when figuring out how long before the proposal to ask your partner's father and/or mother, Bicklein notes, "We always suggest asking for a partner's hand sooner rather than later to avoid making the parents feel like the conversation was an afterthought. In fact, most parents will expect the conversation to happen before proposal plans are made, so we suggest asking at least a few weeks prior to proposing."

Make Everyone Feel Comfortable

It's essential that the parents are made to feel as comfortable and respected as possible. An in-person conversation is the best course of action, but if traveling is involved, it's best that you make the trip rather than inconveniencing them. Bicklein also notes that it's important to consider the environment and weigh how the conversation might pan out. If there's a chance you won't get the reaction you're looking for, a public setting may not be the right choice. However, if you foresee things going smoothly, a nice dinner out is a lovely way to make the conversation a little more special.

Speak from the Heart

As for the actual conversation itself, we highly recommend going off script and speaking from your heart. Just don't forget to mention how much you love their child, how you wish to make them happy, and how you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

Consider Family Dynamics

Be sure to consider your partner's family dynamic before scheduling any meetings. For example, if the parents are happily married, one may want to talk to both parents together. If the parents are divorced, however, each parent should be addressed individually. In this case, it's also best to begin with whichever parent your partner is closest to, as the conversation should be easier and will be great practice before talking to the other person.

What's more, for those navigating any strained family relationships, it's crucial that you take your significant other's feelings into consideration. For instance, if they don't have a strong bond with their parents, it's probably best to skip this tradition altogether. However, if it's your relationship with the parents that is strained, Bicklein recommends easing into it by engaging in multiple conversations before finally asking for their child's hand in marriage. 

Alternatives to Asking for Permission

If the traditional notion of asking for permission isn't for you, there are ways to put a modern spin on this custom. More specifically, Bicklein suggests planning a fun and clever “parents proposal." In reality, this tradition is simply a pre-proposal proposal, so why not personalize the whole event and make it a memorable one? We love the idea of filming it for your significant other to watch later on!

You can also treat the conversation as a chance to let your partner's parents in on the fun, whether that’s letting them know the big moment is approaching or asking them to help plan the perfect surprise. This eliminates any of the dated mentalities linked to the tradition and offers a refreshing, feminist-forward approach while being inclusive. This way, your “We’re engaged!” phone call is a much-anticipated surprise instead of an out-of-the-blue shock.

Nonetheless, if the entire practice and meaning behind it doesn't sit well with you, you're welcome to skip it entirely—though it’s probably still a good idea to clue in your partner's father and mother into your upcoming plans.