Proposals Are Becoming More Collaborative—Here's Why Planning This Moment Together Is Best, According to Experts

There's this longstanding narrative that a proposal is dreamed up by one person in complete secrecy: The engagement ring is hidden in a sock drawer, a decoy story is put into motion by the proposer, and the person getting proposed to is truly shocked when their spouse-to-be gets down on one knee. But when it comes to a major life step like marriage, the element of total surprise may not always be the wisest approach—especially if you aren't entirely sure what kind of proposal your partner wants (it can be hard to guess, even if you know them well!) or what diamond shape would make them happy (if they even want a diamond at all).

After all, experts consistently emphasize the importance of open communication and collaboration in relationships—so it makes sense that the best proposals are somewhat shared. And since we pour over hundreds of couple's love stories each year, we actually believe many (if not most) duos are already doing just that, whether that's co-designing the ring or having candid conversations about the proposal itself in advance. It ultimately begs this question: Is the era of one-sided “surprise” proposals over? Is anyone truly shocked by that ring (or the question!) anymore or are they taking a joint approach from the start?

Read on for the reasons why a co-created proposal is ultimately better and how to go about that pre-engagement communication with your partner, thanks to insights from a relationship counselor, engagement planning expert, and ring concierge—who all advocate for thoughtful planning and shared decision-making.

Always Discuss Marriage Before a Proposal Takes Place

You rarely see someone saying “no” to a marriage proposal—and that's because it’s incredibly important to discuss marriage and a potential proposal with your partner before taking the next step. As a married couple, you’re expected to consult with each other before big decisions and work as a team, so shouldn’t this start before you get married? “This will help to start conversations surrounding how you both want to blend your lives together,” says Wale Okerayi, LMHC LPC, a licensed mental health counselor. “Things like finances, family, homes, and division of labor are all important to discuss prior to proposals and marriage so that you are both on the same page.”

These days, these conversations are happening more organically—and more and more couples are talking about what they want out of marriage in general. “It’s now very rare that someone will propose without having at least some sort of conversation with their partner about things like timing of the proposal and the style of the ring,” says Kat McCoy, the founder of Proposal Prep and Best Kept by Kat McCoy. “Part of this is because couples are dating longer before getting engaged, and it’s common that they may already be living together. In many cases, you’re already building your lives together and sharing expenses, so it feels very natural for both parties to discuss.”

How to Make Your Proposal More Collaborative

The best way to co-create your proposal is to be honest about the things you feel strongly about—and the things you'd rather avoid. “This provides general parameters to play within that still allow for plenty of mystery and romance," says McCoy.

Discuss Priority Pre-Proposal Traditions

Do you want your future spouse to ask your parents for permission to marry you? Are your parents expecting that conversation to happen—and will they be upset if it doesn't? Is there an heirloom diamond in the family that's been set aside for you? If there are any pre-proposal parameters or traditions that you want your partner to know about, it's important to have a candid conversation to ensure this moment meets your (and potentially your family's) expectations.

If you need more guidance, services like Proposal Prep Box can come in handy. The box has a custom card game that helps couples discuss topics that can be challenging to bring up in regular conversation—and poses questions you may not have thought of on your own. Examples include, “True or false: It’s important you speak to my family before proposing” and “Do you want a photographer at the proposal?”  

Talk About Private vs. Public Proposals

“While a proposal rarely comes completely out of the blue, there is a wide spectrum of surprise and mystery that a couple wants,” says McCoy—and for many, that nuance involves where the proposal takes place. For some partners, a public proposal in a restaurant or in front of family at Christmas is more nightmare than dream come true. “If your partner is more introverted, it may be best to plan for a private proposal," says Okerayi.

Co-creating your proposal ultimately eliminates the unfortunate possibility that you won't love it. “If you would prefer it to just be the two of you, you can plan that special night together instead of maybe your partner planning for something more public that would end up leading to discomfort," continues Okerayi. "Planning it out together can make the proposal seamless and special in the way that matters to the both of you.”

Make Your Engagement Ring Preferences Known

Finding or designing an engagement ring together is one of the most obvious benefits to co-creating your proposal. “It can be a big advantage to have input from the person who will be wearing it every day for many many years to come," says McCoy. Since jewelry is so personal—and the same style can look completely different on two people's hands—it's "always a good idea to discuss any expectations or things you really feel strongly about" before purchases are made, adds McCoy.

Today’s generation of couples are taking this approach more often than not. “For the past decade, I have seen an increasing trend of couples engagement ring shopping together. Around 85 percent of my couples are on the first consultation call together, excited to discuss the dream ring in detail," says Michelle Demaree, the founder of Miss Diamond Ring. “It is usually clear to me that they have had conversations surrounding ring style preferences, desired carat weight, and budget prior to our conversation."

This is, however, a relatively new practice: “When I sold rings over a decade ago, it was more common to see men choosing rings that were a total surprise to their partner," says Demaree. “Now only around 15 percent of my clients are ‘solo ring shopping’ for their mate and 100 percent of the time they have pictures of the ring that their fiancée-to-be has given to them—so essentially they too have already had the conversation in advance.”

Not sure how to discuss your future engagement ring with your partner? The most powerful and positive way to communicate your wishes is to say this, says Demaree: “My dream ring would be ___—but honestly, I’m just so excited to marry you.”

Communicate About General Timing

It's just as important to get on the same page about when the proposal will take place. Is this something you're envisioning happening in the next few months, potentially during the holiday season? Your partner might have a year-long timeline based on budgeting for the ring—so getting on the same page will help you plan for the future as a couple (and prevent any hurt or assumptions regarding delays). “I recommend discussing the general timing of the proposal. Say, it’ll happen before the end of year, but don’t go into much more detail than that,” says McCoy.