How to Break Off an Engagement, According to an Expert

Calling off an engagement is not easy. You can be 100 percent sure the relationship is over and still be scared of hurting your partner or disappointing family and friends. There are also the logistical challenges of calling off a wedding, not to mention the reality that you're likely going to lose a lot of money in the process. Still, if you're sure this partnership isn't right, you should absolutely move forward with breaking off an engagement as quickly as possible.

To help you know when and how to call off an engagement, we spoke with Erika Kaplan, a matchmaker with Three Day Rule, to help you navigate this tricky and difficult situation. Keep reading to learn more, and remember, everything will be okay.

Should You Break Off Your Engagement?

Breaking off an engagement is an extremely personal decision and one that shouldn't be influenced by any outside parties or opinions. However, if you're sure that you're relationship is over, but need a little more information to reinforce your decision, here are three signs that your partner may not the right one for you in the long term.

Your relationship lacks healthy communication.

According to Kaplan, planning a wedding can really highlight whether or not you and your partner can communicate in a healthy way. "This may be one of the first milestones together where you have to truly cooperate and compromise to create an event that represents you two individually and as a couple," she shares. But if you and your partner are absolutely struggling to compromise on everything, or if someone is consistently dismissive of the other person's opinions, this can be a red flag that the relationship isn't moving in the right direction, Kaplan explains.

You have different financial goals and values.

"Shopping for wedding venues and vendors may give you a very clear picture of if you are on the same page when it comes to money. Do you spend or save? What do you splurge on versus what do you dial it back on?" Kaplan explains. "It’s perfectly normal for a couple to have different spending habits, but ultimately, if the finances of wedding planning cause major rifts between you two, it’s worth evaluating where you stand." Money is one of the main reasons couples fight, and if you aren't compatible in this realm, you are probably in for a bumpy road ahead.

You aren't on the same page about family.

"Family values can make or break a relationship," admits Kaplan.  "It’s important that you and your partner are respectful and supportive of each other’s relationship with family, whether close or strained." If family dynamics cause regular or fierce fights or disagreements, you might want to reconsider whether this is a relationship you can sustain in the future.

How to Respectfully End an Engagement

Ending any type of partnership is a daunting task, let alone a relationship that was headed to the altar. For those who are sure of their decision to move on, however, here's how to break off an engagement with respect and ease.

Show compassion to your ex-partner.

While you may have thought long and hard about this decision, your ex, on the other hand, might be taken by surprise. Therefore, break the news gently, do it in person, and don't focus the conversation on their flaws. Focus on your feelings instead and the concrete reasons why you don't think this marriage will last.

Kaplan also recommends giving your former partner time and space to get their life in order. "Give your ex access and space to bring closure to things, like your shared home or your mutual friends."

Tell your family and friends.

Once you're in a solid emotional space, figure out a way to break the news to your inner circle. If you ended things amicably, it might be beneficial to tell your family and friends the news with your former partner. "Because your intention was to spend your life together, it’s likely that you two have already built a life together with people important to the both of you. If you are amicable, it might be cathartic to share the news with important people together," advises Kaplan.

If your relationship is contentious, however, it is acceptable (and understandable!) to share the news individually. "If the break-up is anything but amicable or collaborative, you two can each share the news with the people important to you," Kaplan shares.

As for your larger network, there is no need to tell people individually. "You can send a joint announcement in the mail simply stating a change of plans, signed with both of your names," Kaplan advises.

Only share what you feel comfortable sharing.

No one is ever entitled to know everything about you, and this includes the details of your breakup. Simply put, you only need to share what you feel comfortable sharing when talking to friends and family.

"Remember that if you don’t feel like sharing the details, you don’t owe anyone your story," Kaplan says. "The specifics are nobody’s business but your own—but it is good to have a support system of those you both trust, too."