How to Decide Whose Family to Spend Time With During Your First Holiday Season as Newlyweds

While there’s no place like home for the holidays, that feel-good notion quickly gets tricky for newly married couples. Just because you said “I do,” that doesn’t necessarily mean you wanted to deck the halls with your in-laws; and as the nights get longer and the weather gets colder, chances are you’ll start to wonder whose family you should spend your first married holiday with.

Before you feel stressed, though, relationship coach and sex researcher Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, says this is a super common—albeit frustrating—hurdle for newlyweds. “Getting married is often not just about two people but two families joining their holiday habits and traditions,” she explains. “Some family members are very emotionally attached to their traditions, so it can become quite challenging for newlyweds.”

The good news is that it’s completely normal to butt heads with your new spouse regarding the holidays, and you’ll likely feel a lot of emotions—from anger to sadness to excitement—while sorting out your plans. “Regardless of how connected or how similar the couple’s values are, they each come with their own individual life history,” explains relationship psychotherapist Adrine Davtyan, LCSW. “Each individual may have different family traditions, holiday expectations, and emotional attachment. With a beautiful change (such as a marriage union), there come adjustment feelings, such as grieving how one used to spend their holidays.”

If you’re stuck on which house to ring in the new year and which one to make mashed potatoes for, you’ve come to the right place. Below, relationship experts break down everything you need to know when planning your first holiday season as spouses. 

How to Decide Whose Family to Spend Time With as Newlyweds

Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for how to spend your married holidays, and the first one is often especially touchy. That’s why having an open and honest conversation about wants, needs, and boundaries is essential as soon as the planning begins. “The key to making any decisions that may have an emotional impact is compromise and respect,” Dr. Tara explains. 

Think about logistics, heritage, and history when making your decision, as well. If one family goes all out for Thanksgiving while the other puts more time and energy into Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, it might be a simple call. If both sides celebrate equally—or will have hurt feelings regardless of how much effort they put into the celebrations—taking turns each year is a popular compromise.

“Many couples I work with split their holidays, so they’ll do Thanksgiving or something equivalent with one side, Christmas or something equivalent with the other side, and then they switch it up the following year,” Dr. Tara explains. “When it comes to deciding on which family to spend your first holiday together, it might be helpful to create a pros and cons list to decide on what makes the most sense.” Simply writing down both sides and looking at the lists as a couple might help you see the solution more objectively. 

Davtyan also adds that it’s beneficial to create a long-term plan—and stick to it—when moving forward with additional holidays. “Respect is key here as the partner who will be missing their family this year wants to know their side is still a priority.”

Tips for Communicating Your First Married Holiday Plans to Your Family

If you’re trying to navigate where to spend the holidays, here are the top five tips to keep in mind as you book your flights and pack your overnight bags.

Prioritize Together

Before you put the parents on speakerphone, Davtyan suggests discussing your individual and mutual priorities as a couple so you’re on the same page. “Knowing what matters most to your partner helps in making decisions that align with both your values,” she explains. If your siblings can only fly in for Christmas, and seeing them is one of your top priorities, that might help you decide where to spend that holiday or come up with creative ideas for compromise. 

Start Early

While it’s tempting to put off hard holiday decisions, both experts express the importance of starting the conversation as soon as possible. “Your family members may experience a lot of stress from the uncertainty, so start the planning process and communicate with them early,” Dr. Tara explains. This gives both sides time to adjust to the new dynamic, ask questions, and make any needed compromises before holiday stress completely takes over. 

Actively Listen

As you and your partner discuss the options, do your best to keep an open mind, open ears, and open heart. It’s hard for anyone to adapt to a change, so try to view the situation as something you’ll figure out together and not as two opposing forces fighting each other.

If you have healthy communication with your families, Dr. Tara says it can also be helpful to ask what each side would prefer and then listen to their desires with empathy. “Start the conversation by asking them what their preferences would be,” she suggests. “You never know! Maybe they want to do joint holidays with your spouse’s family.” 

Just make sure not to agree to a plan or make any promises without chatting with your partner first. Remember: The decision should be a unified one made as a family, considering both partners' input (and FYI: Your spouse is your immediate family now, so your needs as a couple come first).  

Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

One of the most important skills you’ll learn in marriage is compromise, and it’s especially necessary in regard to the holidays as family dynamics shift. Davtyan stresses the importance of being accommodating while still respecting each other's priorities and boundaries. “Family circumstances may change, so having a flexible approach to holiday plans can help navigate unexpected situations,” she says. “Finding a middle ground that accommodates both partners and each individual’s family can contribute to a harmonious holiday season.”

Practice Gratitude

Even if you address the situation with extreme care, tensions might still get high since we’re talking about lifelong traditions evolving. If that’s the case, Dr. Tara suggests approaching the conversation(s) with a positive attitude. “Having a positive mindset about planning the holidays is important because things can get intense, and people may get trapped in a negative loop.” Instead of focusing on what’s missing or different, practicing gratitude can help keep the peace. “Don’t forget all the good things that are happening in your life. This kind of positive thought and self-talk can power you through hectic times.”

What to Do If You and Your Partner Can't Agree on a Holiday Plan

No matter how much you try to compromise, planning for the holidays is a hot-button topic that can make even the most level-headed couple upset. If you find yourself unable to come to an agreement, try taking things back to the basics. “Ask each other: ‘What makes you happy?’” Dr. Tara suggests. “I found that when my clients strip all the societal and family expectations and just have a relaxed conversation about what an ideal holiday looks like for them, they usually find some common ground and are able to compromise.”

Another option? If you’re open to hosting, consider inviting both sides, allowing them to decide whether to accept the invitation. “Hosting something could allow each partner to feel their family and holiday traditions are important while still allowing the other partner to integrate what is important to them as well,” Davtyan says. “An alternative option could be both of you creating completely new traditions that incorporate elements from both your backgrounds. This can help create a sense of unity and make the holiday season special for both of you.”

However confident you feel about your holiday plans, Davtyan does note that you should be prepared for pushback from your families. If that happens, staying calm and supportive while communicating your boundaries firmly, yet respectfully, as a team is key. “Time heals the severity of conflict,” she adds. “If your family members disagree with your choices, it’s sometimes best to pause the argument and allow time to ease tensions.”

At the end of the day, the holidays are meant to be a time of love, reflection, and joy. While it might feel uncomfortable to navigate a new dynamic as a couple, remember that any challenge you face is an opportunity to grow together. “As long as there’s open communication and respect for one another, there’s space for each of you to feel even closer while overcoming these adjustments,” Davtyan says.