How to Introduce Your Parents and Your In-Laws

Whether you're engaged and the wedding day is fast approaching, or you're in a long-term partnership with someone you love, there’s a relationship (other than yours with your betrothed, of course!) that needs some special attention: The one between your parents and your in-laws! If they’ve never met before, it’s high time for that first introduction (especially if wedding planning has begun), and even if they have had a chance or two to chat, there’s no time like the present to help them get to know one another a little bit better.

Below, we provide valuable tips, straight from a relationship expert, about how to ensure this introduction between important family members goes smoothly.

Stay Relaxed

First things first: It’s really easy to get nervous about introducing your parents and in-laws for the first time (which is totally normal!), but if you and your S.O. are relaxed, everyone else will be, too. Licensed relationship expert Jaime Bronstein suggests trying to simply have a positive attitude. "If you [envision] things going well, there's a better chance that they will go well," she says.

Extend an Invitation

Historically, the parents of the groom would reach out to the parents of the bride to arrange that first meeting, but this tradition is a bit outdated. The bottom line: Anybody's parents can make the first move, or the two of you, as the couple getting married, can arrange a meeting for everyone, instead. This is often the simplest option and is becoming more and more popular, especially for couples who have been dating for a long time.

Navigate Divorces Respectfully

If your or your partner’s parents are divorced, you may need to arrange two separate meetings (especially if the separated parents don’t exactly get along). Regardless of which parent you might be closer to, try to give all parents (including step-parents!) a chance to meet in advance of your big day.

When it comes to the actual meeting, if you have members of divorced couples present, Bronstein recommends that you speak with your parents ahead of time just to ensure that everyone is feeling good about the event. "In the case of divorced parents who don't get along, [the couple] should talk with them beforehand and request that they are civil to one another for everyone's sake," she suggests. This includes giving everyone a heads-up. For example, if the bride has parents who are married, and the groom has parents who are divorced, the bride should let her own parents know that the groom's parents are no longer together, just to avoid any awkward questions or comments. And Bronsteins notes that encouraging everyone to stay open-minded is key—you want the event to be a judgment-free zone.

Lastly—and it may seem obvious but it's worth mentioning—you, as the marrying couple, should not bring up your parents' marital status during the dinner or meet-up. "Let the [parents] lead the conversation and offer information about their marriage history and current status; it's not your job to bring it up," explains Bronstein.

Deal With Distance

If you and your partner grew up near one another, arranging a meeting may be relatively simple. But if you’re from the east coast, for example, your partner is from London, and you both live in California, arranging to get your parents in one place could be tough. One option is having your parents and your future in-laws come to visit for multiple days at the same time for a family weekend—ideally right around your engagement—but keep in mind that for some couples, this might feel like a lot of pressure (and can be pretty expensive). If both sets of parents want to do this, it can be a good option! But if you've already started the wedding planning process and they still haven't met, getting the whole family together in the days prior to the wedding is probably your best bet. Set time aside ahead of the wedding for everyone to eat meals together so you can do some bonding before the big day.

Meet on Neutral Ground

Once you’ve found a date and time that fits into everyone’s schedules, it’s time to choose a place. It's a gracious gesture for one set of parents to offer to host, but finding somewhere neutral (whether your own home or a local restaurant) will make everyone much more comfortable. "Meeting at a restaurant is the way to go," says Bronstein. "A restaurant is beneficial because it's a neutral setting. If the sets of parents have different socio-economic statuses, you won't have to worry about one of them being uncomfortable at the other's luxurious home and vice-versa," she explains. "A restaurant is also better because everyone can focus more on getting to know one another versus being at home and needing to focus on entertaining, preparing the food, serving it, and generally making sure everyone has what they need."

With that in mind, try to choose a setting that’s affordable (a mid-priced restaurant) and generally crowd-pleasing (think farm-to-table, not a 10-course Michelin-star dinner). Make sure the setting is on the quiet side so you can all carry on a conversation.

Decide Who’s Paying—in Advance!

Don’t wait until the check comes to negotiate who will be footing the bill. If you know who will be paying ahead of time, you’ll be able to cater the setting to the host’s budget. Etiquette states that the groom’s parents pay during this first meeting, but there's no reason you have to stick to tradition in this scenario. One set of parents may want to pay if the other set is visiting from out of town, or you and your S.O. may decide to pay yourselves and avoid any awkward moments (we love this option, if you can swing it!).

Remember: You're the Hosts

Even if you’re not paying for the meal, you and your partner should act as hosts to facilitate conversation and make sure everyone is comfortable. You know your own parents best, and are probably at least somewhat familiar with your in-laws, so use what you know to lead the conversation to common interests. "Help facilitate conversations about what the two sets of parents have in common," recommends Bronstein. "Try to create a fun and light-hearted meeting where everyone is having a great time and it doesn't feel like a job interview. The ideal meeting would make everyone feel like they made new friends," she says.

And while part of playing host is bringing up topics and pointing out commonalities between your guests, you also want to help steer the conversations away from touchy subjects. "Don't bring up any topics that can be controversial, like politics or religion," points out Bronstein. "If touchy subjects arise, redirect the conversation to something more positive." She also recommends chatting with your own parents beforehand to give them a heads-up about anything sensitive they may need to know (like divorce, of course, or something like a recent death in the family or topics to definitely avoid).