15 Signs That It’s Time to Get a Divorce, According to Psychologists

Every relationship has its low points. However, if you’ve been unhappy in your marriage for quite some time and you’ve been highly aware that something needs to change, you might be wondering if a divorce is the only solution. Although there’s no hard-and-fast rule that dictates when to end a marriage, it’s a big decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. 

While some partnerships are beyond repair—whether it’s due to infidelity or emotional abuse—other couples call it quits at the first sign of conflict, but they miss out on an opportunity to resolve anything. Before making your decision, it’s important to try salvaging the marriage and working through your issues (we recommend seeing a marriage counselor). Since both of you play a role in the relationship, doing the inner work is also a necessary step. That said, if you’ve tried everything to restore your marriage, but still, nothing has changed, a divorce might be inevitable. 

Regardless of your circumstances, if you’ve been asking yourself if your marriage is failing, there are several telltale signs that signal it’s time to end it. Here’s when to get a divorce, according to the experts.

There Are Incidents of Abuse

Abuse in any form, whether it’s physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional, is one of the biggest signs of divorce, without question. Staying in an abusive relationship puts your health and safety at risk, so ending your marriage is really the only answer. If there’s been one incident of abuse, but you’re wondering whether it was a rare case, there will likely be more events in the future. 

Your Partner Cheated on You

For many couples, cheating is a strong indication of divorce, especially if your spouse isn’t willing to end the affair or fix the damage. Trust and commitment are essential for a healthy relationship, and infidelity breaks that promise, causing intense pain and negatively affecting your outlook on your spouse and the marriage as a whole. While some couples can work through these issues, you’ll never fully trust that person again, so moving on may be a necessary step. 

There’s a Lack of Trust

Infidelity is one example of a breach of trust, but there are other causes, like unreliable behavior, false promises, and unmet needs. These consistent breaches of trust can contribute to the termination of a relationship over time. Therapist Virginia Williamson explains that trust can be repaired, but there are stipulations. “If your partner is willing to work on trust in the relationship and you can access resources to do so effectively, it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle in a marriage,” she says. A spouse who doesn’t take accountability for their actions and isn’t willing to improve is a sign that they aren’t invested in the relationship, so a divorce is likely.

There’s No Mutual Respect

In order for a marriage to thrive, it needs mutual respect. If your partner is consistently dismissing or rejecting you, your thoughts, your feelings, or your boundaries, those are solid grounds for a divorce—no one wants or deserves to put up with poor treatment their whole lives. "If we feel disregard of boundaries, intentional harm or injury of a boundary or person, or a person encroaches on deal-breaking behavior, it may be time to get a divorce," therapist K’Hara McKinney says. Like other signs, resolving this lack of respect is possible. However, if your spouse is unwilling to change or the incidents are pervasive, leaving the marriage is a sound decision.

One Person Has Become Indifferent

“When there is emotion, even anger, sadness, or disappointment, the couple is still engaged with each other and are likely still invested in the relationship,” Williamson says. Problems arise when one partner becomes indifferent, meaning they’re emotionally detached and don't care enough about the other person or the relationship to make an effort. "The person fails to connect, empathize, or support their partner emotionally, leaving the person and couple starved for connection, intimacy, and validation of their feelings," McKinney explains. If your partner is showing signs of indifference, that’s when you’ll know it’s time to get a divorce.

You Don’t Pursue Intimacy

Avoiding intimacy—both physical and emotional—is another signal that your marriage is failing. In fact, one study found that lack of love, or intimacy, was the most common reason for divorce. Intimacy is about wanting to be close to your partner (not solely in terms of sex), so without this desire, it can be difficult to restore your marriage. “This is another sign of detaching from the relationship and safeguarding yourself from vulnerability with your partner,” Williamson notes.

You Often Fantasize About Other Relationships

Thinking about another person or the idea of another relationship more than your current spouse is a symptom of a tainted marriage, according to Williamson. Daydreaming about getting together with a particular individual or starting a new relationship is usually a way to escape the current situation that you’re in. It’s important to look at and address the underlying factors that are contributing to these thoughts and desires before throwing in the towel, though. 

You Don’t Think of One Another as a “We”

Every strong relationship operates as a unit. When you start to talk about plans and situations solely in terms of “I” and “me” instead of “we,” you might be detached from your spouse and the marriage, meaning a divorce could be on the horizon. Of course, it’s completely normal and healthy to have independence in a relationship, but always functioning solo is a sign that things are going south. “You may be in the process of readying yourself for the end of the relationship and certainly not building a shared future together,” Williamson says.

There’s No Common Ground on Important Issues

Despite the saying, opposites don't always attract. At the beginning of a relationship, differences might be refreshing and exciting, but for a marriage to work, there needs to be some sort of commonality, especially when it comes to core values and important matters. "Non-negotiable needs, such as deciding on a place to call home or whether or not you want children, can become sources of resentment and detachment if you don't agree on them," psychologist Noosha Mehmanli Anzab says. If your partner refuses to meet you halfway on essential issues or if their needs are worlds apart from yours, you might be headed for a split.

Your Communication Is Absent or Ineffective

Communication issues are another resounding cause of divorce. This might look like constantly arguing, failing to compromise, or zero communication whatsoever. By going to therapy as an individual or as a couple, you can definitely improve your communication skills, but if there’s no desire to put in the effort, your marriage might not last. If your partner isn’t interested in productive communication, they might be emotionally unavailable and thus unable to sustain an intimate marriage.  

Your Partner Isn’t Meeting Your Needs

Sharing your needs (as long as they’re realistic, of course) is vital for the success of a long-term relationship, but having your partner meet those needs is just as important. If you’re taking the time to tell your spouse what you need from them, whether it’s more validation or support, but they’re consistently ignoring or dismissing you, it communicates that your partner doesn’t care about or respect you, your thoughts, or your feelings. Over time, this can cause resentment and lead to divorce. 

You Can’t Be Your Authentic Self

A healthy and functioning marriage is only possible if both parties can show up as their authentic selves. If you feel the need to hide your real self or conceal parts of yourself out of fear of judgment, your relationship is futile. Many times, it’s the fear of rejection from past trauma that comes into play in a relationship, so make sure you address those limiting beliefs first and foremost.

You Feel Disconnected

Feeling disconnected from your spouse can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression and an eventual divorce. Maybe you’re growing spiritually or emotionally, but your partner is staying the same, so you end up in different places. If your partner is resistant to evolving, they might hold you back from reaching your full potential. Plus, feeling out of touch can take a toll on your mental health. In either case, it might be time to terminate the marriage.

Your Marriage Causes You Distress

Do you feel a significant amount of stress every time you see your partner or think about your marriage? If so, the relationship probably isn’t healthy for you. Research suggests that ongoing marital stress has a negative impact on the body and one's longevity.

Nothing Has Improved Despite Your Efforts

If you’ve tried everything, from having open and honest conversations to seeing a marriage counselor, but the conditions still haven’t improved, that’s when you know it’s time to end a marriage. Continuing to work at a relationship that isn’t salvageable will only make you frustrated, exhausted, and burnt out. Moving on will free up a lot of mental space, so you can actually pursue activities and relationships that are fulfilling for you.