This Is Why Weddings Can Be Hard on Friendships

Finding out that one of your nearest and dearest friends is engaged is an undeniably celebratory moments. You'll likely find yourself heading to the store to pick up a bottle of bubbly to pop in honor of the news that they will be walking down the aisle in the coming months. And chances are you will, too, as a member of the wedding party.

The interesting thing about being a bridesmaid or wedding party member, though, is that every time you take on the role it's a little different. Sometimes being in a bridal party feels effortless. You're asked to attend a few pre-wedding events (like the bachelorette party and bridal shower), buy a dress, and be available on the wedding day to help out, but other times, being in a bridal party can feel very draining, as it takes up a significant amount of time, money, and energy. Sometimes there are high expectations or unwanted pressure—and this can lead to tension between friends.

While being a bridesmaid, groomsman, or any member of the wedding party might seem like the greatest honor you can take on for a friend getting married, it's worth exploring why and how your friendship could change just by having you say "I do" to being part of the newlyweds' wedding squad.

How Weddings Can Cause Stress in Friendships

It's entirely possible that being in your friend's wedding party will be just fine, and that everything will run smoothly. But there are several reasons why being a bridal party member can feel really stressful, and lead to tension between friends:

1. Being in a wedding is expensive, and you may not feel like you can afford all of the elements to participate fully.
2. There may be unrealistic expectations set by the bride(s), groom(s), or the couple.
3. You find that coordinating and planning wedding-related events, like a bachelorette party or wedding shower, is too time-consuming or complicated for your bandwidth.
4. You feel that there is an unfair distribution of responsibilities leading up to the big day.
5. You don't feel like you can communicate effectively with the bride(s), groom(s), or other members of the wedding party.
6. Someone is mistreating you or being unfair or unkind during the wedding planning process.
   

Tips for Navigating Friendship Tension

In order to ensure that you navigate these dynamics as smoothly as possible, we speak with relationship expert Jaime Bronstein about how to ensure that your friendship stays intact throughout the wedding planning process.

Have a Conversation About Expectations

You could read every “how-to” bridesmaid manual in the world and you still might miss a few of the expectations that a bride might have for you as her bridesmaid. She might provide you with a spreadsheet or email chain that has a to-do list of tasks she’d like you to take on (like coordinating the bridesmaids' dresses, planning the bachelorette party, or even helping her make DIY centerpieces for the wedding day). Then, there are the things she might need that she directly asks for, but feel outside of your bandwidth.

If you're feeling like the expectations are just too much, Bronstein recommends simply having an honest conversation. "It's better to share how you are feeling versus keeping it in, as you might start to feel resentful, and it could tarnish your friendship," she explains. "Tell the bride you are doing your best and ask if you can allocate some of your responsibilities to additional bridesmaids because you feel overwhelmed. If the bride is a true friend, she will be empathetic and understanding. Let her know that you want to help as much as possible, but there's only so much you can do, and it's not a reflection on the respect of your friendship and how much it means to you."

Talk Openly About Wedding-Related Stress

If you find that someone is taking their wedding-related stress out on you or another member of the wedding party, take some time to sit with that person and discuss their stress. First, listen to them—empathize, and express that you're there for them and you really care about their mental health. "Offer to help [them]. Ask them if talking to a therapist or coach could be beneficial during this stressful time," recommends Bronstein.

Next, bring your perspective into the conversation, and gently explain that their stress may be negatively impacting you—and that you're worried it's impacting the health of your friendship. "Share that you don't want the stress of the wedding to be the cause of the breakdown of your friendship," suggests Bronstein. "Express that you care for them and are there for them, yet you feel they are taking out their stress on you, causing you to feel stressed," she says. Bronstein goes on to recommend that you could offer ideas for additional stress relievers, like going to a yoga class together or spending some time at a spa. "Encourage them to share their feelings with you, but in a calmer fashion. If they express their stress to a professional, family, fiancé, and other friends, perhaps your friendship would be better."

Be Honest About Money

Friendships get messy when money comes into play. Think about how stressful splitting the bill at brunch can be and then think about all of the things you’ll be asked to buy as a bridesmaid... You might find yourself feeling extra anxious.

When a bride is asking her bridesmaid to shell out $200 on a bridesmaid dress and several hundred dollars more on bachelorette party travel, accommodations, food, and open bars, a bridesmaid or member of the wedding party can start to feel resentful. It can feel very difficult to put your foot down when it comes to not spending money on things the bride wants you to buy or do.

If you find yourself in this situation, schedule some one-on-one time with the bride(s) and/or groom(s) to talk about your realistic budget. For example, you could suggest that you can afford the bachelorette party, but you might not be able to spend $200 on a bridesmaid dress—and you could offer to find an alternative that fits her vision.

What to Do When the Friendship Isn't Working

If you find yourself trying everything—having calm and honest conversations with the bride, trying your best to keep up with the expectations—but the friendship is feeling unhealthy or very strained, it might be time to take some action and tell the bride or groom that you're very worried about your friendship and don't feel like you can continue on as a member of the wedding party.

"If you feel that your friendship is becoming strained, be honest with the bride. Perhaps she is unaware and will apologize," says Bronstein. However, keep in mind that this person may become defensive—it's possible that they're experiencing a lot of their own stress. "Share with them that you have compassion for their stress; however, there needs to be a positive shift in the communication and how they treat you," notes Bronstein. "If they continue the negative behavior, [say that] you don't know how to remain friends. As long as you deliver your message with care and compassion in a calm manner, they should receive it well." Bronstein notes that it helps to think of this as a learning experience for the two of you, as difficult as it may be.